Fiction: Self Reflection

This story was originally written 2009 and has appeared in Best Lesbian Erotica 2010, Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and Beyond Binary: Genderqueer and Sexually Fluid Speculative Fiction.

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The resemblance is uncanny. At first I don’t notice anything because her short blonde hair standing in spikes is so different from my own dark curls working their way to my hips. Yet something about the way she holds herself draws me in. She clearly doesn’t mind standing out in the crowd. She’s wearing baggy pants with a tight-fitting tank top and a leather jacket with the word Dyke embroidered on the back. In this moderately conservative town, her outfit clearly screams “Fuck you!” at the straight world. At the same time it enticingly coos “Fuck me!” to the queer world.

I stop and can’t help but stare as everyone else walks by. As she gets closer, I begin to notice little things. Her face is fairly distinct from mine, but there are definite similarities. Then when I catch her eye she flashes a particular smile at me: a crooked half smile that I’ve never seen on anyone but me before.

“That looks like my smile,” I say with a touch of amazement in my voice.

“It is your smile,” she replies.

I stare at her dumbfounded for a moment, not sure what she means by that. Then the other pieces begin to fall together: The same arc of her eyebrows. The same look she’s giving me right now. The same skin tone. The same double-Venus symbol tattoo just below the left side of her collarbone. The same smart-ass tone of voice she’s using with me. She is even wearing a handmade Trans Pride button I designed.

“You’re me,” I say, “Aren’t you?” She sits down on a bench next to me and takes her jacket off. I notice the embroidery again. It’s a technique I’ve been learning, but it’s far tighter and more orderly than my skill can produce. I look at her eyes and see small laugh lines beginning to develop. “…But older.”

“You’re a smart study, I never doubted that,” she says, smiling.

“Does that mean you’re from the future? How does that work? Can you tell me about what happens? Why are you here?”

She laughs for a moment. It’s odd to hear my own laugh. It sounds different when it isn’t coming from my own head. “I’m not really supposed to tell you those kinds of things. I’m not really sure how it all works myself.” She leans over and in a hushed tone says, “But you might want to transfer your inheritance money out of the stock market before the end of 2007.”

“It’s 2009.”

“Oh, well, you’ll be fine. You’ll get by without the money anyway.” She gets up and pulls me into a more secluded space. The crowds disappear.

“So if you’re not here to give me a message or a warning, what are you here for then?”

“I need a reason to visit now?” The joke seems more odd than funny. “The truth is that I’m here for a while before I can move on, and I don’t really know anyone else here. I figured I might as well look you up. You’d understand better than anyone else we know. In 2012, I visited Mom and she almost had a heart attack.”

I don’t know why, but it kinda makes sense to me. I look back at her. She glances at the ground, and for a moment her face looks very tired and somewhat sad. I don’t understand anything that’s happening, but I realize that I don’t need to. I put my arm around her shoulder. She looks back at me and smiles again, then embraces me in a long, comforting hug.

“Somehow I knew you’d understand.” She looks at me a moment longer. “You said it was 2009. Does that mean you’re dating Saphira right now?”

“For a year and a half.”

“And you don’t know Cayne yet?”

I think for a moment, then nod.

“And you’re still poly, right?”

“Yep.” I cock my head to the side. I can’t really imagine a future where I’m not poly.

“Good, I just had to make sure. You can’t always assume that all the details are still the same.” She pauses then shoots me a smoldering look. “Anyway, if that’s all true, then unless I’m mistaken, you haven’t seen a trans cunt up close yet.”

I perk up. “No, but I’ve been curious.”

“That’s another reason I wanted to stop by,” she says, looking me up and down. “How would you like me to give you the opportunity?”

“No way,” I say in disbelief, “But I’m non-op.”

“You might be, but I’m not.”

I’ve thought off and on about how I’d like to check out a trans cunt up close, but I didn’t feel like it would be appropriate to just go ask someone. Having my future self here creates a valuable new opportunity. Before I know it we are back at my place, in my bedroom.

She gets on the bed and starts to take her pants off. A pulse of excitement runs through my body. Everything feels surreal. Like I’m not even sure if it’s happening or not.

“Before we begin, we should check in about things. Part of why I haven’t had the chance to do this yet,” I explain, “is because as much as I want to know what it can look like and what it can feel like, the more significant part to me is that I really want to explore the sensation of it, how it feels to you.”

“Oh, I’m well aware of that, Sweetie. Why do you think I came? I might get some details wrong now and then, but I know you inside and out. I came here because what you want is what I want. Besides,” she adds, “you’re a hottie and I’ve been envisioning this scenario for a while.”

I smile at her. Suddenly I realize, regardless of the trippy context, I’ve got a strong and brazen beauty in my bed who knows every one of my desires and wants to play through them with me. This is hot.

She finishes taking off her pants. I glance down. Her legs have a different shape to them, probably due to a few extra years on hormones. That’s not all I notice.

“Where did you get those scars on your legs?”

“The big one on the outside of my thigh was from a fight—don’t worry, I messed him up even more. The smaller ones are from cutting.” She watches me closely. I think she’s looking for a reaction, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling. “You don’t need to do that, by the way, if you can find a better alternative.”

I decide that a minimal reaction is best. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

She must see my awkwardness with the topic and redirects us. “Come and get a closer look.”

I move forward to look at her. The pattern of pubic hair is somewhat sparse, and I can see her labia underneath it fairly well. I glance up and notice her staring at me. I can feel myself blushing.

“It really is okay to touch it,” she tells me.

I don’t know why I’m being so hesitant. I pull her labia to the side and take a closer look. Her clit is actually pretty cute. Her bits really look like any other cunt I’ve seen, as unique as any other. “What made you decide to do it?” I ask.

“I realized that I had always been interested. I had just thought that if I had a spare twenty grand hanging around that I might have better use to put it to. But there are some real benefits to it. I don’t have any problems in clothing optional space anymore, and I can go stealth in locker rooms, with Michigan festies, or even with one-night stands.”

“You’re stealth now?”

“Only for a few hours at a time.” She flashes me my crooked smile again. “But I suppose the main two factors that pushed me over the edge were that my healthcare plan covered it—actually Saphira’s health plan—but most health plans cover it now. And that I didn’t want the risk of getting placed in a men’s prison again.”

It takes a moment for me to catch the significance of again. I should be disturbed by it, but for some reason I’m simply concerned. I look up at her questioningly, hoping for more explanation.

“Oh shit, that was insensitive of me. I didn’t mean to tell you like that. But don’t worry, I already took precautions to prevent it from happening to you.”

“How did it happen to you?”

“It’s a long story I’d rather not talk about. Let’s just say it had to do with an abusive partner and survival crime. Life sucked for a while, but I got through it and I’m stronger now than I was then.”

I can see the pain again. She’s been hurt a lot. I wonder if, despite her mysterious precautions, that will happen to me.

“Hey, mind if we get back to the fun stuff? I know you’d love to see me get off, and I’ve actually been wanting to try this for a while.”

I smile back at her and let her change the subject. “I’ll grab the gloves.”

“Hmm, that brings up an interesting question. I wonder if it’s possible for me to give you anything? That seems like it would be a bit of a paradox.”

I think about it a moment. “There’s enough paradoxes floating around already. Besides, it’s a part of my agreement with Saphira.”

“Oh, certainly. Of course. I just get curious. Those kinds of things are hard to figure out.”

I move closer to her and run my hand up her leg.

“Before you start…” She beckons me over. I come to her side and she pulls my head toward her and kisses me on the forehead. “Have fun, darling.”

A little more relaxed, I cup my hand over her cunt and hold still a moment. Then I back off slightly and give her some light and teasing touches. She responds positively, with a slight shudder and a sigh. A smile comes to my face. I’m getting really turned on. I run my tongue over her thigh. Then I turn my focus to mapping her vulva with the tips of my fingers, enjoying every tactile sensation.

Once I’m satisfied I slip on a glove and douse my hand in lube.

I move my hand between her legs and find her opening. After rubbing the lube around a bit, I slide a finger in. Her eyes flutter as she takes a breath. It went in easily.

I feel around a bit, drinking in every sensation I can. I’m in up to my last knuckle. She’s moaning softly. I back out to insert another finger. This time she gasps. I do a come-hither motion and she arches her back.

“There, oh fuck, yeah,” she says between breaths, which are coming faster and harder. “Please, right there.”

“You’re a lot of fun to play with.” With my other hand I squeeze her clit between her labia and rub it. She lets out a series of staccato breaths. Encouraged, I increase my pace. She writhes under me.

A moment later I slow to add another finger. I push all three in as deep as I can. She starts lifting up to me and I can feel how much her cunt wants me.

“Oh, yes,” she cries. “That’s what I need, fill me more.”

I use a fourth finger as well. There’s more resistance and I slow, then drizzle more lube over her cunt. It takes some time, then I can feel her cunt opening up, begging to swallow my fist.

“Try your whole hand.”

Doing as she says, I tuck my thumb under my other fingers and press in. I’m in awe and not sure if it will work, but I keep the pressure on. As her moans and movement build, my hand slips into her. She’s gasping. I’m filled with a sense of amazement. Her pulse beats around me.

She reaches down to stimulate her own clit. Her whole body is tensing and pulsing. I can feel it as her cunt clenches around my fist. I hold her hip tightly as her body rocks. Then she’s spasming. I feel her cunt quiver around me. Her abs tense and she almost sits up. Then her body slumps back and goes slack.

I take the cue to slowly remove my fist. When I finally am out she lets out a long breath. I lie down on the bed next to her and she puts her arms around me.

“A thousand throngs of thundering thespians, goddamn, I needed that!” She gives me a peck on the cheek. “It’s been a while.”

“Of course. I should be thanking you.”

“You really are an adorable sweetie. I kinda miss that part of me.” She brushes the hair out of my eyes. “So, what do you think?”

“That was incredible. When did you get it?”

“In 2015. As soon as I could after I got out.”

“You know, I don’t think you lost it,” I say, “the sweet caring part of yourself, I mean.” I lean over and give her a kiss. She’s somewhat surprised at first, then kisses me back with a gentle tenderness that makes my heart swoon. I run my hand through her hair and kiss her harder.

I roll over her and run my hand down her side. Her hand moves up under my shirt and scratches my back. The sharp sensation intensifies the arousal I’m feeling. Her fingers find and undo the snap of my bra.

She gets my shirt off and cups one of my breasts in her hand. She pinches my nipple between her middle and ring finger. I moan. She twists. I gasp and pull back slightly. I’m disoriented for a moment, then she pushes me onto my back and is sitting on top of me and holding a royal blue dildo.

“The Empress! You still have her after all these years?”

“Of course. When you form a psychological connection with one of these babies, it doesn’t go away easily.” She leans over me. “You did such a nice job with me just now, how would you like it if I returned the favor?”

“Please.”

She gets off the bed and walks around by my feet. She’s wearing a strap-on harness, but I don’t remember her putting it on. I grab the lube and spread some on myself. Kneeling at the foot of the bed, she lifts my legs into the air and leans over me.

She kisses my ankle and guides the Empress to my ass. I’m hungry and ready for her. She pushes the tip into me. I moan. She holds still for a moment while I adjust. Minute by minute, inch by inch, my ass swallows her. When she knows I’ve had enough time, she pulls almost all the way out, only to sink deep into me in one fluid motion.

I arch myself into her and she alternates between a few slow thrusts and several faster ones. I let out a slow groan. She reaches down with one hand to play with my breasts. As I get more into things she shifts her position so she’s lying on top of me and kisses my neck. She’s panting.

“How much can you get out of using that?”

“Quite a bit, actually.” She moans into my ear while making several quick thrusts in succession as if to demonstrate. She grips my hair and grinds her hips into me. Her head lifts up and leans back. She’s a lot louder. Her energy is intensifying, then suddenly she downshifts and returns to her previous patter.

She smiles at me. “A little more of that, and I could have come.”

After a while I roll us over so that I’m on top. I’ve got room to touch my bits now. She’s still thrusting up into me. Everything feels so good. She’s staring straight into my eyes with such intensity and focus. The sensation is arcing. Waves of pleasure crash over my body. I collapse onto her. A tingling sensation is still making its way back and forth over my spine. I wrap my arms under her back and clutch her to me.

After it subsides I lift myself up and pull the dildo out. I snuggle up to her side. “Damn, I love you,” I say.

“I love you, too.” She laughs. “But seriously, I’m really glad you still think I’m worthy of your love.”

“I don’t think you’ve changed as much as you think you have. At least not in the important ways.”

“Keep that in mind,” she says. “You and I, we’re resilient. I’ve been through a lot. A lot that I hope you don’t have to deal with. But even with all that, you can still love the self that I’ve become. I hope you never stop loving the self that you are.”

It’s a rather beautiful sentiment. “Is that the message you came here to give me?”

“Maybe.” She grins and looks to the side. “Hey, you wanna try something really weird?” She pounces back onto me and changes the subject, a habit I hadn’t noticed about myself before. It’s also interesting to realize how much bubbly energy she has, and I wonder if I’m like that too. She interrupts my thoughts and holds up a condom. “I’m creaming all over at the thought of you fucking me with your bits—if you feel comfortable with it.”

I smiled. “I like how you think.”

We keep going like that for who knows how long. We try everything we can think of. I’m getting to know her body really well, and she already knows mine. Occasionally we take breaks and she tells me more about her life. Time slips by. It’s hard to keep one moment distinct from the next. I don’t remember it becoming night, but suddenly it’s morning. I must have fallen asleep.

I feel arms around me. I turn around to kiss my future self, but she’s not there. Instead, it’s Saphira. She’s awake and kisses me.

“Saphira, when did you get here?”

“I got back really late last night and you had already fallen asleep. You looked so happy I didn’t want to wake you.”

Now that I’m more awake, I think I realize what happened. Oh well, I say to myself. I guess I can never deny being vain again.

“I had a thought last night, darling.” It would be nice to keep my options open. “What would it take for me to be on your health plan?”

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